Dende's Loss, Piccolo's Gain
by Afrodite
Summary: *COMPLETED ONE-SHOT* Dende asks Piccolo to accompany him--incognito, of course--on a date, but it turns out not even the great Namek warrior Piccolo can help Dende out of this mess--nor the mess that Piccolo himself gets into!


Dende's Loss, Piccolo's Gain 

by Afrodite

THE FAVOR 

"You WHAT?!" Piccolo cried, his eyes bugged out with disbelief.

Dende smiled sheepishly. "I, um, met a girl today. Corinne. She's really nice, Piccolo, and—"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Piccolo shouted, pacing back and forth. "Aren't you  supposed to be watching over the Earth at all times? How did you find the time to go date shopping?"

Dende nervously wrung his hands together. He winced when Piccolo was hit by his own cape in the eye as he paced back and forth, producing an annoyed growl from the Namek.

"Uh…are you okay, Pic-"

"Of course I am!" Piccolo snapped, as he swung his cape to the one side.

Regaining his composure, Piccolo stood tall.

"Okay," he continued gruffly. "Tell me all about this, this girl!"

Dende eyed Piccolo warily before continuing.

"Well, it gets lonely up here sometimes—no offense to you and Mr. Popo…"

Piccolo rolled his eyes.

"…er, anyway, I thought to myself, if I was a girl who would date me, where would I hang out? So I went to the library!"

Piccolo gave Dende an "are you serious?!" look.

Dende shot Piccolo a look of indignance. "So, I like to read—what of it! Sure beats watching you meditate or Mr. Popo water flowers!"

Piccolo _hmphed_.

"_Anyway_," Dende said with a roll of his eyes and swivel of his neck, " Corinne and I struck up a conversation at the check-out desk. Turns out we're both into Harry Potter fics!"

Piccolo smirked. "Yep, that Potter is one cool kid. Did you see the movies? My favorite part—wait, what am I saying?!"

Dende smiled slyly, and made a mental note into his memory bank of "useful information for blackmailing Piccolo."

"Heh. _Right_. Back to the subject at hand, I need you to do me  a favor."

"What?" Piccolo asked suspiciously. He wasn't the _favor_able type.

"Well, Corinne and I planned to meet again today, this evening, at Peppy's Pizza Parlour…and I was hoping you could tag along to give me some pointers. Inconspicuously, of course.  Piccolo? Piccolo!"

Piccolo was now standing atop a chair with a rope around his neck, preparing to jump. Luckily, for Dende, and unfortunately for Piccolo, the smaller Namek caught him before he swung like a pendulum.

"Why me?" Piccolo groaned, removing the rope from around his neck. 

Glumly, he sat down on the chair as a worried Dende eyed him with concern. 

"What do I have to do?" Piccolo muttered angrily.

The cutest grin crept up on Dende's cutest face. He leaned over and whispered into Piccolo's ear. Piccolo nudged him away.

"What the heck is all the whispering for? We _are_ alone!" Piccolo spat.

"Yeah, but," Dende eyes the audience cautiously. "I don't want _them_ to know yet. It'll spoil the story!"

Piccolo suddenly is self-conscious. Turning his head ever so slowly, he peeks out at you, the readers, from the corners of his eyes. And gulps.

"Yeah, I see your point." Piccolo tries to ignore all the "you can spoil me anytime, Picci-baby" catcalls coming from the audience. 

Seeing his point got across, Dende leaned over to whisper in Piccolo's ear again. Piccolo chuckled unexpectedly.

"What?" Dende asked, a tad annoyed.

"Heh," Piccolo grunted. "When you whisper in my ear like that, it kinda tickles. Heh."

Dende rolled his eyes. "Whatever," he said, and went back to his whispering, with Piccolo trying hard to stifle his laughter.

____________________

THE DATE

For the umpteenth time, Piccolo couldn't believe he was doing this. He trailed yards behind the sickeningly (only to him, of course) cute couple of Dende and Corinne. Piccolo wasn't in the habit of checking out the ladies, but even he admitted (to himself only, of course), that Corinne was a good-looking girl. 

Corinne Tower had a cutesy wutesy kittycatty face, with big round brown eyes and short, fluffy brown curls. She was slightly shorter than Dende.

"Oh, Dende, this is so romantic!" Corinne cooed, her eyes shining like the stars that lit the evening sky.

"Yes, yes," Dende said in a daze.  Those were the only two words he seemed capable of saying in Corinne's presence tonight, so charmed was he by her cutesy wutesy-ness.

Piccolo stopped momentarily.  He felt as if the water he had for lunch was about to come up. Taking in a few deep breaths, he was fine. Piccolo returned to growling menacingly at the people who stared at him—probably because the seven-foot Namek was clad in army camouflage gear and black sunglasses, complete with black beret and black combat boots. 

Some women gazed appreciatively at Piccolo in his get-up, which caused him some discomfort. Particularly when one crazy old lady patted him on the behind and winked at him when he turned around. After that, Piccolo quickened his step and avoided eye contact with anyone.

Dende and Corinne reached Peppy's Pizza Parlour, which was everything like the name suggested. Peppy as heck.

As soon as they stepped foot onto the red and white checkered tiles, a bubbly blond teen waitress skated up to them—perhaps crashed is a better word—and asked for their order.

"Uh…two cheese slices and one large cola malt, please," Dende said, backing away from the blonde head that was zeroing in on his face.

"Okay, cutie!" the blonde girl chirped, pinching Dende's cheek.

Just as quickly, Dende felt a slap on his other. A weak, barely felt slap, but a slap nonetheless. The blonde girl conveniently skated off to take their order.

"What was that for?" Dende cried, blinking his eyes at Corrine, who wasn't looking so cutesy wutesy at the moment.

Corinne's face was now as red as her long-sleeved shirt, which she had worn over a pleated white skirt to match Peppy's red and white colour theme.

"Duh! I saw how you were looking at that blonde bubblehead!" she seethed.

"W-what?!" Dende stammered. "You got all that from her pinching my cheek, and me looking at her like she's crazy?"

"Yeah, right," Corinne snapped. "It was more like she _caressed_ your cheek, and you looked up at her _lovingly_!"

Dende led Corinne to a table for two. Glancing quickly, and desperately, behind him, he noticed Piccolo was in the diner. Dende tried to make eye contact with Piccolo, but the camouflaged Namek had been pinned to the wall near the entrance by another waitress—a brazen brunette.

As Corinne took her seat, still mouthing off about how Dende was "cheating" on her, Dende communicated telepathically with Piccolo.

*Piccolo! I need you to get me out of this! This girl is nuts! She thinks I cheated on her just because some waitress pinched my cheeks! Geez, this is only our first date yet she's acting like we're married! *

*You think you've got problems? Do you not see this girl sexually harassing me?! Once I get her off my chest—literally—I'll help you out with Miss Thang.*

*Fine. But please hurry! She's beginning to talk about how cute our children will look!*

Piccolo managed to pry the girls roaming hands from off his chest, and ordered water. When the waitress eyed him quizzically, Piccolo explained that he wasn't ready to order the main course yet, but would later. Satisfied, the girl winked at him and skated off to take his order, purposely swishing her butt back and forth in her mini pleated white skirt.

Piccolo followed the movements of her behind for several seconds before Dende's whining intruded his mind again.

*Sorry, hang in there, kid*

But before Piccolo could reach Dende, the waitress was zooming towards him with his water. As she neared him, she "accidentally" spilled the water on her see-through red tee, exposing her generously sized breasts.

While the twin towers distracted Piccolo, Dende was trying to calm Corinne down.

"No, no, Corinne! That's not what I meant. I just think we should take things slowly. We're too young to start planning a family! Besides, I think there's something I should tell you about how Nameks operate…"

Dende allowed for a dramatic pause, hoping that Piccolo would intervene before he had to embarrass himself further by explaining Namekian reproduction.

Luckily for him, Piccolo had quickly materialized a towel for the wet waitress, threw over her chest, and sped over to Dende.

Hasitly regaining his composure, but not fully ridding his cheeks of their purple flush, Piccolo stood tall by the failed couple's table.

"Dende, I'm ashamed of you," Piccolo said in a fatherly tone. "How many times do I have to tell you not to sneak off without permission?! I'm not going to say this again—you are not permitted to date until your sixteen years of age, young Namek!"

"Sorry, Father," Dende said while giving Piccolo a mental thank-you.

Piccolo answered with a mental you-owe-me-big-time.

Corinne gazed up at Piccolo, having returned to her previous, starry-eyed self.

"Wow, Dende," she whispered. "I see where you get your looks from! Your dad is gorgeous!"

Piccolo's eyes shifted uncomfortably under his dark sunglasses.

*Let's get the heck outta here, kid!*

"Uh, sorry, Corinne, but it looks like I'm grounded again," Dende said, while hastily exiting from his seat. "I guess I'll, uh, see you in  a few years!"

"Yeah, I guess so," Corinne sighed, her goo-goo eyes darting back and forth from Piccolo to Dende.

Dende gave her a little good-bye wave, then hightailed it out of the parlour. Piccolo shot her a quick army salute, then followed closely behind Dende's trail, but not before the wet waitress slipped her number in the pants of his uniform.

_________________

Back at the Look-out… 

"I can't believe you're making me do this," Dende moaned.

"Believe it, kid" Piccolo said with a triumphant smirk. "I told you would owe me. Big time!"

Again, Dende looked sorrowfully down at the wussy outfit Piccolo made him wear. He didn't know what was worse. The dark blue OshKosh overalls or the white shirt with the stiffly starched collar that he wore under it—complete with a Mickey Mouse logo on the right corner of his collar. The denim baseball cap he could deal with. Piccolo at least poked holes in it for him so that his antennae could breathe. And the sneakers were pretty normal, too. For a human kid, perhaps. But Dende was used to wearing his long, flowing robes, that Piccolo had teasingly called the "nightgown" or, more often "that punk a** dress.

Piccolo snickered at Dende in his new get-up. 

"Awe, you look cute, _son_," he sneered, patting Dende on the head.

"Do I _have_ to be your son tonight," Dende whined. "I mean, that waitress seems to like you regardless of whether she thinks you're a single dad."

Piccolo thought for a moment. Dende began to look hopeful.

"Nah."

Dende's lower jaw fell.

"I mean, what you said is true, but this is the best way I can think of right now to pay you back."

Dende groaned.

"Alright, junior, let's go," Piccolo ordered, and took to the sky with an unhappy Dende muttering some uncharacteristically colourful words behind him.

"I heard that, _junior_," Piccolo mocked while checking his cell for any messages from the waitress.


End file.
